


Oblivion: Yours Sincerely

by GoodGuyJean, MirandaFandomette



Series: Oblivion [1]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Epistolary, Established Relationship, Jearmin - Freeform, Letters, M/M, Manga Spoilers, Mystery, Well semi-established, canonverse, long distance, much angst, post-shiganshina arc spoilers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-25
Updated: 2018-10-14
Packaged: 2019-07-02 04:26:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 21,835
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15788937
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GoodGuyJean/pseuds/GoodGuyJean, https://archiveofourown.org/users/MirandaFandomette/pseuds/MirandaFandomette
Summary: [Manga Spoilers]After returning from their journey to the Ocean, Jean and Armin are separated. Jean does work for the Garrison and Armin is sent for further training. Feeling a little lonely with their new assignments, they begin writing to each other. However, not everything is peaceful in Paradis. The citizens are reeling from recent revelations that they are not alone in this world, and some begin to wonder if they might have been better off not knowing what was outside the walls . . .





	1. Chapter One

Dear Jean,

I can't tell you where I am, but we have now the opportunity to write to each other without someone reading the letters beforehand. If you want to answer, you can give your letter to Hange, since they will be inspecting your unit personally.

If you really want to know where I am, you could try contacting Mikasa. ~~They didn't manage to hide the truth from her.~~ Hopefully soon you'll be allowed to access this level of confidentiality, but there's some paperwork and diplomacy in between. Hange told me that ever since our “coup,” even our supposed allies are suspicious and that's what made your promotions slower even though you already fulfill the duties of the rank you should have. Only a few of us know what really happened at Shiganshina and some crazy rumors are going around apparently.

That's what Peaure from the newspaper told me. He mentioned an anti-war movement named “Oblivion.” They want to go back to the state of peace and innocence the ancient king gave them. I guess it's only human, but I've never been able to want such a thing. I'd rather know, no matter what the truth is. If you hear about this group, can you send me some information? Peaure was only allusive and I'd like to know as much as I can about the current situation. Hange tells us as much as they can but it's not quite enough. I feel a bit disconnected. Eren seems used to it. It's obviously the case with me.

You might ask what I was doing with Peaure. Well, even though my position is hidden, some reports on my powers are soon to be published in his newspaper to show some “transparency.” I guess it's a diplomatic compromise; it's paradoxical like every compromise and it doesn't make anyone happy. Thing is, I am now a political asset and we still have enemies inside the walls. Remains of the cult of the walls, political and military rivals, general suspicion, etc. Well, you were part of the preliminary discussions. You know what the stakes are even though they finally decided to isolate Eren and me for our “safety” during a secret meeting. I wish I could have said goodbye, but I think it was a good decision. Besides, I'm tired of being everyone's reminder of what happened. Both my human and titan form are exhausting to watch. ~~Even for Hange. Even for you, I’m sure .~~

And also, I don't control my powers too well at the moment. I won't develop. It's useless. You will soon have an access to the reports.

Anyway, enough with the almost confidential talk and complaining. Tell me, how is everyone? I also wrote to Connie and Sasha, but I'm sure you'll be the fastest to answer. You know how they are.

Now I feel like I should tell you about something more personal. And if I'm perfectly honest with myself, it's the main reason for this letter. I regret that we didn't have the time to discuss it, nor the opportunity. We were always surrounded and busy, even by the sea. I didn't seek out a moment to talk with you about it. ~~Neither did you, however. You don't have to wait for me to come back or for Eren to be away~~ I'm sorry for that. I was avoiding a complicated topic that can be summarized pretty simply: it could have happened but it no longer can be.

But despite the emotional distance that is probably preferable between us, I hope we can remain friends, or at least allies. You're a very valuable one.

~~I'm sorry I~~

Best Regards,

A.A.

~~P.S. Did you decide to cut your hair again or will you let them grow? I think either is fine but~~

P.S. Forgive my messy handwriting. I didn't have the time to make a first draft.

 

 ~~Dear Armin Hello Armin~~ Armin,

I’ve started this letter five times. I spilled ink on the first copy and wasted the others. This is the last sheet of paper in the bunk room and Hange leaves tomorrow, so I don’t have any do-overs left. I thought about not sending anything this time round, but I realized that was childish of me and I do have some news that might be “valuable” to you, so I’ll pass it along.

You feel how you feel. I don’t want to try to change your mind, but I would like an explanation if you can give me one. I can guess what you’ll say, but I want to read it from you. I think it’ll clear the air between us. It’ll make it easier to be valuable allies. ~~I want to be friends too~~ I don’t know what I want right now , ~~but we’ve been through too much and I don’t think anyone can understand me the way you do.~~ I’ll think about it. Just like you’re probably thinking about it. Or overthinking about it. Or maybe you never think about it at all.

. . . shit that last paragraph is a mess. It’s done at least. And now onto the important business.

I have heard of “Oblivion.” There’s a group of the crackpots in Trost, we have an eye on them. Well, not me personally, but the Captain mentioned it’s one of the projects the local Garrison is overseeing (and me, Connie, Sasha, and Floch are on loan to the Garrison while the government sorts out what’s going on with you—yes, the loan is official now, I’m answering to Rico directly and it’s an endless chucklefest). We’re not supposed to interfere with them in any way (yet), we’re just watching. After I got your letter, I tracked down Rico in the mess hall (not an easy task—I may be a “hero” of Shiganshina, but that woman still looks at me like I’m dirt from the bottom of her boots) and tried to casually pump her for information from her surveillance. She didn’t give me a lot, only that I was to stay away from the King’s Scepter (yes, that dirty water hole is still in business). Apparently they’re having meetings there and trying to recruit people to their cause.

Recruiting sounds dangerous, but the higher ups don’t seem too worried. Rico says the gang mostly prints leaflets to hang up around the town (I’m sending you an example) warning people not to trust the government. It’s trouble, but probably the kind of trouble that will implode on itself in some internal power struggle. At least I hope so. I’ll see if I can come up with some more information for you by the next time I write.

I dunno if this helps at all, but maybe Peaure’s article about your powers will calm down some of this paranoia? Or maybe it’ll just make people wonder what else the government is hiding. Can you blame them though? If I hadn’t been to Shiganshina, I’m not sure I would have believed any of this story. It’s pretty fantastical. You’re living proof I guess, but that’s got to be a pretty lonely and frustrating position to be in. I also wish I could tell you that your titan powers will develop, but I guess we just don’t know what will happen next. Eren sure got the hang of his pretty quick. ~~, but Eren also just charges around and gets everyone into troub~~ Maybe you can ask Eren for help. How is Eren?

Everyone here is as fine as they can be. Sasha steals food from the mess and hides it in her bunk. It smells. Connie has started playing cards with the other soldiers; it’s lucky no money is involved because you can read his face like an open book. They’re going to visit Sasha’s father on their next leave. I might go with them, haven’t decided yet. Might be nice to get out of Trost for a bit. There’s not a lot here for me now that my mom has moved to wall Sina. Anyway, I’ll remind them to write back to you.

I fell asleep after writing that last paragraph and now I have to finish this letter off really quickly if I want to send it back with Hange, so sorry for my rushed handwriting and all but I wanted to say that I’m a bit sorry about what I wrote originally and I hope that you’re not being too hard on yourself about not being able to control your titan powers and that I’m sure at least Hange isn’t tired of watching you transform. Whatever is going on between us (or not going on, I guess) I want us to keep writing.

Take care,

Jean  
  


Your Military Wants You

YES YOU!!

To believe that Peace is bad

That War with the World is Good

That the True Line of Monarchs Was unfit to Rule Us

Who profits from War?

NOT THE PEOPLE!!

WHO CHOSE OUR QUEEN?

NOT THE PEOPLE!!

Let us return to Paradis  


 

Dear Jean,

This time you'll receive my letter from Hitch and you'll have to give your answer to her as well. She will give it to one of Hange's new recruits later. The name’s Elke, Hange trusts her. She’s not quite an assistant but she’s in charge of the reports, some specific diplomatic tasks, and she does some management for us. Maybe you’ll have to interact directly with her later? I'm trying to find a steady way of corresponding.

As for Hitch, she was in the queen's escort. We've had a royal visit. I wasn't sure about telling Historia about Oblivion or even just asking her about it. I'm sure you'll judge me too cautious, but remember that time I accidentally told an enemy some thoughts I had about Eren's position in the scouting formation and those thoughts happened to be true? I'm isolated and not so well aware of the stakes. I'm sure you can understand that an old comrade with new diplomatic duties such as Historia might be questionable. Besides, I'm not sure of what needs to be done.

Anyway, I ended up not finding an opportunity to talk with Historia. No matter how simple she wants to remain, protocol gets in the way. What do you think? She's one of Oblivion’s “targets.” She should know. Well, maybe she's well aware of everything. I'm not quite sure though. Hange can't be everywhere and they also remain secretive. Probably for the best. I mean, they wanted the Commander to have the serum.

I'm really sorry Rico treats you so badly, but it's not really surprising to be honest. She's earnest. Did you get more from her? From your research? If you haven't visited the King's Scepter already, allow me to suggest diplomacy as a weapon? You're a soldier but they're a serious threat.

I'm sorry, but can you also tell me how people felt about the report on me? Hange told me it's too early to know for sure, but they also probably want to preserve me. Everybody does, even Eren. Everybody did even before my mental state was a general concern. I really dislike it. I know I can trust you though. Please be honest with me. Also, Eren is fine. When I told him I received a letter from you he said, “That horseface should have written to me as well! He's so petty!” He's alright. I guess. It's just like with family. After a while you assume things and you stop communicating because  everything’s supposedly obvious. Maybe I should do more but I'm afraid. Now that my situation gives me a clearer insight of how Eren felt, words seem useless. Or worse, potentially painful. Besides, you know that I was never able to tell him everything. Well, you never tell everything to anyone, right?

I'm glad Sasha and Connie are well. Your reminder didn't fell onto deaf ears, they both wrote a letter. Well, they did it together but it was nice. And it was also addressed to Eren actually, that cheered him up a bit. Connie asked me about strategies for cards. I'll do my best to help. Did you go along to visit Sasha's father after all? How is he? How is your mother?

About the explanation, I'll try to give the best one I can. I feel selfish for not trying what we both wanted at some point considering the fact that you're so nice to me but at the same time, I value our relationship too much to think that you would like me to decide that we should be more than what we are out of guilt. Does that make sense? I decided to send a clean letter so I will leave it this way anyway. It's already the third version, to be honest.

So the explanation: first, we're both soldiers in the Survey Corps, which means that we could die, that we could be separated for a while (what's happening right now), that we'll have to deal with many problems and like, I never see soldiers getting together. It always ends up tragically before it even starts. I have thousands of examples. Relationships with civilians seem more fulfilling . . . when you're not in the SC. Being single seems reasonable in the SC.

Second: we're both men, which means that we're not normal. I don't want to make you the way I am, considering the fact that you have other options.

Third: we don't work so well on a physical level. It's not supposed to be so complicated and weird. Is it? Else, why would anyone be so fulfilled by it?

Fourth: despite all the previous reasons, I was ready to try before Shiganshina but now I can't. Because even if we managed to make it work, I am now the monster I was ready to become from the beginning to lead us to victory. Well, to allow us to survive. I don't know anymore if I have the shoulders to be such monster and I realize how presumptuous I was to think I could, but I'll try my best. You, Jean, you’re not a monster. You deserve better. I hope all this doesn't sound too dramatic.

Fifth: Were I to survive, I  wouldn’t live that much longer. I am cursed.

This letter was longer than expected. I hope it's what you wanted. Or needed. I am not sure it was so useful since you already knew all that. I hope it's not too weird to say that I hope you're doing well, that I'm glad you want us to keep writing. I want it too.

Take care yourself,

A.A.

P.S. I wanted a clean letter. I'm sorry about the blood, don't worry really. I'm just not regenerating and have been pushing myself a bit too much lately. Hange suspended my training for a bit. Eren and I joked about how you all must be jealous of our persistent baby skin considering your numerous scars. I will get rid of mines soon I'm sure.

 

Armin,

Well, if you want to know more about Oblivion, I’m your man. In fact, I’m going to be everyone’s man because Rico is sending me on a recon mission and I’ll be writing up the reports.

I ran into her this morning outside the mess hall and she marched me to her office (well, I say I ran into her, but really she pounced on me as soon as I was heading out for patrol duty). She told me that Oblivion is getting more difficult to track and that the King's Scepter has turned out to be decoy for where the real business was taking place. She didn't have the location for the big recruitment meeting, but they've tracked down a few people who were working as recruiters. Basically, they want a spy and think I would be a good pick.

But wait, I hear you say; aren't you Jean Kirstein, hero of the rebellion? One of the members of Captain Levi’s elite squad who was directly responsible for the deposition of the king? Personal friend of the two titan shifters? (Yes, I admit that Eren is my friend and I'm sending a letter along to him as well; I didn’t realize the suicidal bastard wanted one from me, I’m not that petty . . .  well, at least, I didn’t mean to be petty by not sending him a letter.)

I reminded Rico of all this (politely, obviously; I’m not suicidal!), but she said the higher ups are banking on using my position to get me into the club . . . assuming that anyone can recognize me because my appearance is pretty average and my role in the Captain’s squad was minor compared to, say, the Captain himself or either of the shifters (yes, she said all that to my face . . .). The idea is that I’m going to offer to be a double-agent for them, feed them some real intel about the military and the government in order to get them to trust me, and also confirm for them their conspiracy theories about the coup. I’m supposed to pretend to have had a “moment of conscience” about my role in “destroying paradise,” Rico says. They picked me for this mission because they think my “insider knowledge” will get me deeper into the organization than someone else.

I don’t like it.

First off, I don’t see how Oblivion won’t see right through me. Rico says cultists just want their theories confirmed, but these guys are professionally paranoid: a member of the military shows up at your door and you’re just going to accept that they want to help you and spy for you? These assholes may be oblivious or whatever, but they came up with a decoy meeting place, so they can’t be that stupid. Second, I’m shit at subterfuge. I guess not as shit as Connie or Sasha—the other two options for this mission—would be, but still. Pretty shit. I suppose at least this time I’m not going to have to dress up as Eren, but in my experience any kind of deception is more trouble than it's worth.

. . . sorry if that brings up painful memories. I thought about crossing out the last sentence, but I realized you’re probably the only other person I know who can understand why I’m so against these kinds of tactics. But maybe it’s childish of me to rant like this, especially at you, since in the end I’m just howling at the wind. Orders are orders. Unless I quit. But at this point, quitting would be unfair.  You  can’t quit. Even if you wanted to, and I know you don’t. Or do you? Would you ever have considered leaving the military if you weren’t a shifter?

Anyway, wanking aside, Rico says they’ve identified a recruiter in town and I’m supposed to approach her sometime this week. Rico suspects that I’ll have to go through some initial vetting process before they take me to their meeting. What a party.

I can already hear you telling me that I shouldn’t be writing all this down in a letter just in case Hitch gets intercepted. But anything going between here and command is heavily guarded, and you’re heavily guarded, and I guess you can burn this letter after you get it if you want. I just needed to talk all this through with someone. With you specifically. Even if things didn’t work out between us, you’re still my closest friend. That’s cheesy, but it’s important to me to say so. There you go.

Here, I’ll write the rest of this letter on another sheet in case you want to get rid of the more confidential stuff. Though maybe you don’t keep letters at all, dunno. Do you? I’ve kept letters from my mom. And yours.

It’s cool you got to see her highness, even if protocol got in the way of having a real talk. How is she? I’m sure she knows something about Oblivion. At the very least, the Captain must have told her something. He likes her. But if you think it’s important to check what she knows, I’m sure you’ll find a way to talk to her at some point. She must be pretty lonely too, all the way there at the top but still kind of a figurehead. She’d probably like a moment to talk openly with you or Eren, if you can swing it.

Reactions to Peaure’s article have been mixed, just like they have been for any of the news coming from the capital, to be honest. People around the barracks haven’t exactly been running up to tell me all their thoughts about it (they know you and I are friends), but from what I’ve heard, a lot of them seemed to find your story awe-inspiring but terrifying. Also there are still some people grumbling about the Commander. Floch still won’t shut up about it. Maybe I shouldn’t tell you that, but I’m sure you could guess that people would still be upset about his death. I’m sure Hange’s better at working through their feelings than Floch is—they’ve always been practical. You two are very alike in that way.

I’ve heard the same kind of stuff out on the street, though I’ve also heard people worrying that all this talk about your amazing powers means we’re headed off for war with Marley soon. And are they wrong? I guess that depends on Zackly and Historia.

For my part, I wish the article had made you seem more human. I like Peaure, but he writes about you and your powers like assets. Maybe people would be less suspicious if he focused on how much you’re like the rest of us. I mean, you’re special obviously, but you’re not some kind of . . . machine. I dunno if I’m being clear.

I didn’t go along with Sasha and Connie. Maybe if I had, Rico would have had to find somebody else for her little job. I’m not sure why I decided to stay. I wasn’t sure I could pretend to be a civilian for a few days. I’ve been finding it harder and harder to do that. But it’s also been lonely here in Trost without them. I grew up here but I never really liked it, and people in the military treat me differently since Shiganshina. It created some wall between us. Except Floch, but he’s always been a bit of a pain the ass. I get why he’s that way, but it’s tiring. Seeing Hitch again has been nice though. I don’t think she’ll ever be her old self again (none of us will ever be our old selves again), but she made fun of my hair endlessly, so she’s still got some of her old spark (I am growing it out by the way; what do you think of that? I just wanted to try something different, I suppose, but it looks a bit awkward and shaggy now . . . as Hitch keeps reminding me.)

Also, thanks for your explanation. I don’t agree with you about everything, but I understand the logic at least. I hate to think that inevitable death makes everything pointless . . . I mean, we’re all waiting around to die, aren’t we? That sounds morbid, but I find it comforting. We can’t escape death, so we should make the most of our lives, right? Hitch said something like that to me the other day; I know she’s thinking about Marlowe and she regrets not telling him how she felt before he died. And I also don’t think that just because I like women as well means that you would be keeping me from being “normal” (whatever the fuck that means). Shouldn’t we choose whoever makes us the happiest? And, you know, I’m a monster as well. I’ve killed people, and that makes me a monster in some ways. But I’m also still human, and so are you. It’s easy to forget, but I think it’s important to remember.

. . . sorry, all of that sounds like I’m trying to persuade you to change your mind. I’m not, really. At least, not about being with me. As you said, when we tried something it didn’t go so well, and it’s complicated. I just don’t like hearing you talk so negatively about yourself. You deserve some kind of happiness, even if your life is going to be unfairly short.

Thanks for explaining about the blood, ~~I was worried.~~ I’m glad Hange suspended your training for a bit, you gotta conserve some of your strength. I’m not jealous of your baby skin; I think my scars look pretty cool for the most part.

Take care,

Jean

 

Dear Jean,

The fact that they’ve included you in the plan and that they're going for this risky idea is evidence that this Oblivion group is more threatening than expected. Or maybe the decoy situation vexed Pixis and now he's attempting a bold move. I know the man's probably not that impulsive . . . but "not that" doesn't mean "not at all". Is he responsible for this? I think at least partially? Hange told me there were some shifts recently due to the latest numerous deaths but that the Garrison organization remained mostly unchanged. I've been studying the new military hierarchy chart in my free time (which I had plenty of until last week when I resumed training).

I understand that you don't like it and I share your reluctance but I think it could be worth it even though you're not sure about the result. Also, your story is pretty believable I think. Besides, Rico is wrong, you don't look that average. I mean, you have pretty distinguishable killer eyes. So it's better to play it half-straight, being who you are, using some of your real feelings. The strategy is to say the truth with little lies. That’s also Oblivion’s approach, and it’s proven effective.

Anyway, keep me up-to-date on this matter (writing on another sheet is a nice idea, can you keep doing it?)

I'll write the rest of this letter on another sheet so that you can keep my letter if you want to. I already burnt your previous letters. I didn't want it to be well known that we are friends. You could be used against me. Am I being paranoid? But since you say that our friendship is a well-known fact, I was wondering if it was so useful to destroy your letters. I asked Hange who told me I actually could keep them. Well, maybe not the Oblivion part. So I kept the last letter.

Another thing I would like you to not keep actually (because it could also be used against me) is this: I've thought about what you said about Peaure's article and the fact that he could have made me seem more human. I drafted something for the second report, a more pathetic paper, exposing my delicate position, lack of agency, my "noble" sacrifice, and my constant fight to control my powers, which hurts myself in the process . . . I also must say that I emphasized my petite aspect. You have to play the game with what you've got. I don't like it, but well . . . Peaure told me it was a bit too "sensational", that it was supposed to be a serious scientific report. I told him that I knew the reception was mixed and that we had to be convincing. Hange supported me on this actually even though they weren't pleased by the paper, I could tell by their face when they read it.

Peaure took my paper and told me he would do his best. I can't wait to see his publication.

I'm sure the world will find me disgusting for writing such thing, including you, but we also have to fight that kind of battle.

See you next sheet!

Dear Jean,

Eren frowned at your letter and said you didn't have to write, but I know he read it alone later. He already wrote an answer that he handed to me to give Elke. I'm glad you admit Eren is your friend. Would you admit it to his face though? I wonder.

Also, I think you and Rico have more in common than you assume. She's as tactless as I am implicitly right now... I hope you won't mind it, you know I value that in you. That you're tactless.

To answer your question, I haven’t ever considered leaving the military. My only family is a part of the army. From the time we all enlisted I knew that as long as they were part of it I wouldn't quit, which soon became: “I’ll never quit because Eren’s a shifter.”

To be perfectly honest, I never thought about leaving the military, even when I thought Eren was dead. I never thought about a future after seeing the sea, but maybe I could have left the army if I wasn't a shifter. But now that I've achieved that dream I'm not allowed to have another one. You said it, I can't quit. But well, I won't cry over it. It's not given to just any man to achieve the biggest dream of their life.

What do you mean by: "quitting would be unfair" for you? You don't owe me anything. Are you staying in the military because of  ̶m̶e̶ us?

I haven't seen Historia since last time. She's being kept busy.

I understand what you say about Shiganshina. Actually, since Eren and I look more accessible despite our status, some members of Hange's new squad asked us about what happened in Shiganshina and even before, during the coup. They want to understand what the stakes are and who Hange is. Most of them are around our age but they treat us as if we were older. I don't feel it like a wall, more like a gap. Maybe it's both.

Floch and Hitch seem very... like themselves actually from what you say. Some things stay the same, I guess. I wish I could see how your hair looks. I was wondering what you’d decided for it. Longer will look softer I think. You seemed less severe with your bangs.

Thanks for your understanding. I wouldn't make you happy. You perfectly know what "normal" means and you’re blinding yourself for not admitting it. Circumstances make us all monsters, but I think you still have a chance while I don't. Humans can forget, you know. We're programmed to. I don't even remember the face of my parents, to be honest.

As for what we tried, "didn't go so well" is such a sweet euphemism.

Training is OK. Hard but OK. I'm so bad at this. You can tell that destiny didn't choose me wisely.

Thanks a lot for your letter, I hope you're doing well.

Yours Sincerely,

Armin

 


	2. Chapter 2

Armin,

This is the burn letter. Sorry for any spelling mistakes and my sloppy handwriting. I’m writing late at night, a couple hours after I got back from my first Oblivion meeting. Before you ask, I already wrote the official report (Rico insisted). I’m writing this part of the letter before I sleep so I don’t forget anything. You’re not directly involved in this operation so I have no idea if you’ll see the actual report, and maybe it’s not fair to drag you into something like this when you’re busy with training, but you’ve always been better than me at seeing the big picture. If you’ve got some spare time I’d really like your help.

Earlier this week I went up to one of the recruiters Rico’s squad identified. I asked him about “the new shop” that was coming to town and he gave me an address. Surprise, it was actually in the nicer part of town, at someone’s house (or, as much of a nicer part of town as this shithole has had since the fall of Wall Maria and the attack last year). I thought maybe I was being played, but I had to go with the information I was given.

Tonight I showed up at a large but plain house and was welcomed inside without much trouble. The guy answering the door was a little antsy, but otherwise not many other signs of suspicious activity. He showed me into a giant parlor (seriously, why do rich people need all this space?) where a bunch of chairs had been laid out in rows, like a theater. Several people had already gathered there and were muttering to themselves. I took a seat in the back row and tried to look casual and definitely not like I was a military spy. But in the interest of spying, I tried to take a look around.

The inside of this house was NICE, like almost as nice as some of those places we visited in the capital. We’re talking plush rugs, shiny silver holders for the crystal lamps, nicely carved furniture. The works. I’m going to include a sketch of what I can remember of it with this letter. If I’d known you could have this kind of house in Trost when I was kid maybe I wouldn’t have been so keen on joining the military police (although the inner walls are always safer, so I probably still would have chosen to enlist). To be honest, I’m surprised it’s still standing; the titans demolished so much of the city and before that we were overcrowded with refugees from Maria. But I guess every dinky little city has its own king of the hill.

As I was observing the room, a woman in a long black dress dropped into the seat beside me. I’ll include a sketch of her too. I’m not the best with descriptions, but she reminded me very much of a hawk with her beady eyes and grey hair. She was very practical and plain looking, but also her dress looked well made. So, probably rich too. She gave me an approving nod and said, “Nice to see the youth are taking an active interest in the problems of our society.”

Posh accent. Definitely upper class.

I forced a smile and mumbled something like, “It’s our future too.”

The room slowly filled up over the course of the next few minutes. I didn’t get a good look at everyone, but there was no one I recognized. Some working-class people did show up, but by and large it looked to be mostly the well to-do people of the town. In fact, I had no idea we had so many well-to-do people here in Trost.

Eventually a tall man in a light blue jacket (yes, this detail is important) stood up and turned to address the gathered crowd. I didn’t get such a good look at him at that point because I was sitting in the back, but from a distance I could tell that he was blond and not too old.

“Good people of Paradise,” he began. He had a very soft voice but it somehow carried across the room. “Welcome to the first meeting of the Trost Chapter of Oblivion. You are the first to answer the call to protect all that we hold sacred in our society, and I’m sure our True King will reward you greatly for it later.”

Yeah, he really fucking said that. I tried to get his speech word for word for my report, so here it is, I kid you not:

“My name is Walsh. This is not my house, so do not attempt to contact me here. Instead look for other people wearing paradise blue on their clothes,” he indicated his jacket. “They will know how to take messages to me.

“My dear people, our Paradise is in crisis. In direct defiance of the True King’s wishes, the military has usurped the throne and installed a puppet queen to do their bidding. And what is their bidding, you ask? Nothing less than _war_ with the rest of the world.” And he shuddered like he’d swallowed a slug.

“The True King built this Paradise for us. It was perfect in every aspect and we were his chosen people. However, some grew too prideful and hoped to seize his power for themselves. It was through their meddling that the outside titans were able to infiltrate our outer wall. Finally they achieved their sadistic end of overthrowing the monarchy and revealing the secrets of the Walls, disturbing our peace and pounding the drums of war with the outsiders!”

Walsh was red in the face at this point. Even at a distance I could see a vein pulsing in his forehead. Several people were nodding and calling out their agreement. I noticed the hawk-lady watching me out of the corner of her eye and voiced my support as well.

“Dearest denizens of Paradise, we must restore our home! We will build an army, we will retake the throne! The true line will be restored and we will have our peace once more! But only, my good friends, only if we can intervene before Zackly and his henchmen strike against our neighbors!”

You’re probably wondering what he meant by “restoring” the true line. Doesn’t he know there’s only one member of the royal family left? Well, I have no idea what he’s talking about either. But I’ll work on figuring that out.

After this rallying speech, Walsh asked members of the audience to introduce themselves and why they were fighting for the cause. I was right: while there were some shopkeepers and street cleaners, most of the people in the room were merchants, lawyers, and doctors. I wrote down what names I could remember for Rico, but since I didn’t take notes in the meeting (probably would have been a bit too suspicious), I only got a few. (Also too much space in my memory is taken up by Walsh’s ridiculous speech . . . there better be a clue in it somewhere . . .) There was a Mr. Finn, a Mrs Drake, a Mary Sherbert (great name), an Alonzo Fletcher (really great first name, doesn’t match the last name), a Dr. Kinsworth, and a fancy lawyer named Caleb Klaus, among others. The old lady sitting with me was simply Miss Adele, a concerned citizen.  Finally it came around to me and I tried my best to do my bit (though my heart was pounding in my chest).

I told them I was Jean Kirstein, a Trost native who had enlisted at twelve after Wall Maria fell in the hopes of making a better life for myself. That I had made it into the top ten, but had decided to join the Survey Corps after losing my friend in the battle of Trost. I told them about the female titan, Bertolt and Reiner’s betrayal, my rivalry with Eren, being promoted to Squad Levi, and fighting in the coup. And about how horrible the Battle of Shiganshina was. Everything I said was true, up until I talked about what we found in the basement.

“It’s a sham,” I said, my throat feeling scratchy and sweat running down my neck. “The military wants to use what we found to start a war. If they hadn’t provoked the outsiders years ago then maybe . . . well, I can’t live with myself anymore. Someone has to stand up for the truth. So I’m offering you my services; I can be your eyes and ears in the garrison. I’ve even met the queen, though we were never particularly close, so I could . . . relay information about her to you.”

It was dead silent after I finished talking. I swear I could hear the wheels turning in their heads, sizing me up. I did like you said; I mostly gave them the truth, but with a slight twist. All I could hope now was that they would buy it.

“Kirstein,” Walsh said it slowly, like he was tasting it. Kinda gross. “I have heard that name, yes.” He walked around the chairs over to me, and closer I could see that his hair was thinning and he had lines on his forehead and around his mouth: probably middle-aged then (again, I’ve drawn you a picture). He smelled like mothballs. He looked me over once with bulging eyes and then broke out into the creepiest grin I’ve ever seen, besides Kenny’s.

“I _knew_ it. My dear boy, _well done_.” Walsh grabbed my hand and pumped it up and down. His palm was all clammy, it was very gross. “Of course, how could it be otherwise? The corruption of this government knows no bounds. We certainly, absolutely accept your services!”

Everyone was whispering, saying stuff like “I knew it all along!” and “The fiends!” Walsh finally let me go to spout more of the same stuff about the importance of Paradise and what made us the True King’s chosen people (after listening to him for almost an hour I’m still not sure I understand; it’s mostly because we’re his most faithful followers? Look, I can only memorize one speech at a time, and this man just repeats himself a lot).  I sat down to see Miss Adele watching me. She smiled when she caught my eye, but her face was difficult to read. I feel like she’s going to be trouble. Why didn’t she give more information about herself? And was she convinced by me?

Trouble.

After the meeting, Walsh stopped by to talk to me. He asked for the names and ranks of the people running Trost’s garrison and for me to gather information about how much the military knows about Oblivion. I told him (as Rico had instructed me to) that they were planning a raid on the King’s Scepter, looking for the man named Biggs. Walsh was over the moon about that. His decoy worked, etc, etc. Next he asked me to bring him copies of patrol schedules, so he can plan their next meeting place. We’ve established a drop off in the bucket of a damaged well on King Street (this Walsh guy sure does love kings).

We were instructed to leave two or three at time to avoid drawing attention. I was one of the last to go, accompanied by Miss Adele. At the gate to the house she stopped me. “Thank you for your services Kirstein. I’m sure you’ll be a big help to the cause.”

I told her I’d try my best and we parted ways.

And now I’m back in my bunk, writing this to you. Do you see anything I don’t? Some hint about what they mean about “restoring the true king”?

Okay, going to sleep now.

Armin,

Alright, here’s the letter you can keep. I’m so fucking tired from last night, I’m not sure I can find much else to say, except that I wish you were to help me figure out this mess. I hope Eren enjoyed his letter. He didn’t say so when he wrote back to me, but then I probably won’t tell Eren I hope he’s feeling alright in my reply back to him. I imagine that you relay my sappier stuff to him the same way you tell me how he reacts to my letters: all I can say is that you don’t need to take that burden on yourself, we’re both big kids and we can communicate on our own.

. . . that sounded angry, sorry. I’m really not angry about it, you’ve just got enough on your plate right now without looking after me and Eren and our very “special” relationship. We’re fine, we handle it.

I read Peaure’s new piece on you yesterday morning. I’m sorry if Hange doesn’t approve, but I think it’s better. Though I think you overemphasized your weaknesses and struggles a little too much. You’re one of the strongest of us in your own way, it’s just a fact. I think what you’ve gone through would have broken most other people, myself included. Anyway, I’ll listen around to what people are saying, see if their opinions slowly start to change.

To answer your question, I think me quitting the military would be unfair to a lot of people, you included. After all of the sacrifices you’ve made and how hard you and Erwin and Hange and Eren and Mikasa and Sasha and Connie and Historia and Captain Levi have all worked for the truth, it would seem petty for me to quit. Besides, where would I go? I’ve seen too many things to go back to a civilian life. I’m stuck here now.

Will you tell me more about your training? What are you going through? Also who are Hange’s new squad? Or have they scared the newbies away yet? And if you’ve seen Historia, how is she doing? Will you tell her about my mission?

Yours,

Jean

P.S. I’ve also attached a sketch of how I look right now. Does longer hair really make me look softer? Maybe I should grow a beard to restore my manliness. Have you done anything with your hair recently?

 

Dear Jean,

What you reported about Oblivion is a both reassuring and concerning. First, it's reassuring that the people involved are wealthy and thus, lost their privileges with the fall of King Fritz. Their convictions, if they're sincere, are also informed by less noble concerns. (Speaking of nobles, do you think ancient families who were allies of Fritz might be involved? Those who aren’t imprisoned and who knows what's done to them by Zackly are being watched more closely, but maybe they’re pulling some strings. Not all merchants were like the Reeves and many had alliances with nobles, etc).

Second, it's also concerning because they seem to have enough money and influence together to eventually become a real threat. It's good you've got an eye on them so early. Also they're organized and probably already used to secret meetings. Some of them are probably used to those kinds of actions. It reminds me how many archives were destroyed before we could put a hand on them during the coup. How many secrets remain?

Also, a few questions: how do you know they were really all from Trost? Maybe some people travelled from other cities? How extended is their network? Do you think they really want to use Historia? Their plan seems so silly they might well have another weird idea of how to get their “real king.”

Anyway, you seem to have been very efficient. I'm sure Rico will never say it, but I can hear her thinking it.

Thanks for the sketches as well. I kept them. I hope it's not too risky? If you think I should burn them as well I will, but they're so well done and there’s no obvious connection to Oblivion. I guess? I should burn them. Shouldn't I? Well, tell me.

I'm going to answer the questions about training here even though new results will be published soon (I guess; Peaure hasn't come back yet but he will) because my state of mind is confidential. Well, I want it to be. The colossal titan is exhausting. I've only managed a full transformation once; I fell and then slept for two days after only a few steps. Apparently I bit my way out of my titan before the others managed to help me out. I was panicking. I've told you about that time I almost got eaten in Trost? I think about it when I'm in the titan, and I can't manage to tell Eren about it even though he’s  probably the only human who shares a similar experience. If I'm perfectly honest with you, it's because of the guilt. Because I almost got eaten while he was eaten. I know it's silly.

Inside the titan, you're in a weird state of consciousness. You're supposed to disconnect from your human part but not fully so you can understand orders and know your goal. Eren is instinctively very good at it but I really am terrible.  I think too much and can't control my titan. Well . . . at least it isn't naturally aggressive like Eren's (imagine if we'd switched!). Hange is very understanding with me (which is also an extra pressure because I know how hard it must be for them to not scream at me that I should be dead and that Erwin would have already mastered his titan in my place). They say that I probably unconsciously don't want to connect with an entity that carries the remains of an old friend that I ate. Isn't it twisted? I asked Eren for tips to "disconnect," but he was unable to help. I guess it's like for 3DMG, part of it is "feeling it." I hope I'll get it soon. I have to get it soon. It's so frustrating, I swear!

I also will talk about Hange's squad here because . . . they're known as "Hange's squad" but still, I don't want to drop off any information that could be used against them. So first there's Elke who you'll see often. She's not so much of a newbie but a transfer from the garrison. She's not talkative and at first I thought it was because she was cold, but she actually is very shy. She got noticed quickly during the first attack on Shiganshina and got promoted just as quickly with the death of many officers. She was apparently very efficient at protecting civilians. She knows many people and listens well. Rita is another transfer from the garrison. She fought during the fall of wall Maria. She seems pretty bitter about it. Hange told me they saw the reports and "I don't want to know." Well, actually, I do . . . but, well. Then you have Alister who is our age and is a transfer from the Military Police. She barely survived the charge after Ymir, Bertolt and Reiner and she took almost an entire year to recover. Her right leg is still weak. You might have met her actually since you were with the Military Police unit at the time. She has hazel eyes, a slender body and long chestnut braided hair. The two last members of the squad are newbies, Kazan and Tidus are still a bit naive. Well, especially Tidus who’s never seen a titan except the specimens Hange keeps to study . . . and Eren and I, I guess. But Tidus is also the best cook among us so he has redeeming qualities. Kazan is quieter though when he and Tidus are together they become pretty obnoxious . . . youth (I feel so old.) He was in Trost during the attack.

I think that's all. See you in the next letter.

Dear Jean,

It doesn't bother me to tell you what Eren thinks and does, but maybe it's a bad habit we picked up after what happened to him with Historia's father. I feel like somehow you helped me understand him better because I was too close to see him clearly. That's how it started. Maybe I shouldn't tell you what Eren does and says because, to be honest, I don't really tell him much about you. Mostly because I don't like him to compare you to a horse, which he does systematically. I've been thinking about it, and it's probably because I've always found you pretty attractive while it was far from being a shared opinion, which made me doubt my aesthetic capacities . . . but now I'm pretty certain I was right and most people have terrible aesthetic capacities. Eren in particular. I mean . . . his favorite color is brown. Anyway, point is, it's not very equal. I should probably stop sharing so much about Eren with you. It's rather unusual you know; Eren, Mikasa and I, we were alone against the whole world and I don't trust so easily.

Since I'm probably a terrible judge, you shouldn't trust my opinion on the sketch you attached and also, maybe you're drawing yourself better than you look? (I doubt it, your previous self-portraits were not that flattering even though they were really well drawn. You could totally work in newspapers if you quit the military). Anyway, I don't see anything wrong with this hair of yours and you're still very manly although you can try a beard if you can (I can't . . . the only state I can currently reach is the caterpillar-like neglected moustache). I guess one can could say it's a bit scruffy, but it's because short haircuts are uneven and it shows when it grows longer. Eren is in a similar state. As for me, I wonder if I should get rid of my hair. Not like going bald, but having them way shorter. I don't know. I also think it makes me look more vulnerable and effeminate, which is good? Maybe? For my image? I don't want to look threatening or ridiculous. What should I do?

Peaure hasn't come back yet to tell us how the article was received and the latest news, and Hange's squad, except Hange sometimes and Elke who's the messenger, is as isolated as I am. Thus, I count on you to hear about the reception of it. It's nice of you to say I'm strong, but that's not really the point, I'm afraid. You're right, I might have overemphasized my weakness. I should show more control but actually, I must say I've been mostly honest in the article. As explained in the previous letter.

As for Historia, I haven't seen her yet. I'll tell her everything when I meet her again. I wonder what she'd think of it.

Thanks for your support, I sincerely appreciate it,

Armin

P.S. Eren saw the drawing and said actually you looked less than a horse now and more like a stray dog. Is this an improvement? I wonder. I must reiterate that as for myself, I really like it. The drawing and the hair. I actually decided to only keep this drawing, I'm glad to have at least one.

 

Armin,

Thanks for your thoughts on this Oblivion case. I’ve now been to another meeting (this time in the basement of a spice merchant’s shop . . . so, still pretty posh), and I tried to follow up on some of your suspicions.

First, all I had to do was ask Walsh casually what he thought about the nobles who had supported Fritz before the coup for him to spout off about how he’s actually some great man’s second cousin two times removed or blah blah blah. And of course he just dropped the name without really caring if it blows his cover (and yes, Walsh is probably a cover. Rico checked the town tax registers: no Walshes. He could be from out of town though, we’re looking into it). Anyway, Walsh says he’s connected to a Yates family, though he didn’t say they’re in anyway involved with Oblivion. I got the feeling that Walsh knows more about the Yateses than the other way around. Rico looked through the records from the coup and discovered they’ve been imprisoned, but there’s not much else to go on. She’s put in some official request for more information, but you know bureaucracy. And Zackly. I still can’t get that horrible parade of the “traitorous” nobles out of my head, and I can’t imagine they’re doing any better in the prisons . . . and I’m also sure Zackly’s not going to be open about what he’s doing to them, whatever it may be. I don’t like to ask this of you, especially if it gets you in hot water with our Commander in Chief, but if you have a chance do you think you could do some records digging? You might have more clout and clearance than us. And maybe see if there are some Walshes somewhere . . . some way that we could get more details on this guy?

Besides that, Oblivion seems to be a pretty run-of-the-mill rich person cult. They meet, they bash the military, they drink nice tea (the Captain would probably like it here), they talk about restoring “the true king” (still no more information about that—I tried to ask Walsh directly but all he did was smirk condescendingly at me and say something like “one step at a time” . . . looks like I’ll have to do some snooping). Part of me wonders if this is some kind of weird gentleman’s club; they want to feel noble and important and put-upon, so they get together every couple of weeks to complain about the state and make plans to cause petty trouble that will never go anywhere really. I dropped off the patrol schedules and personnel lists Walsh requested last week; still no sign of what he’s planning to use those for, but this time he did ask me for a catalog of the armory. Sounds like he’s just pissing around, to be honest.

Miss Adele though. She seems pretty sharp. I’m not sure I’ve fooled her at all. She sat next to me the whole time again and kept giving me this weird sideways look. She’s the first to nod along with Walsh, but she’s not anywhere near as aimless as he is. Last meeting she kept asking for more detailed plans and goals, though Walsh wasn’t having any of that. “Still collecting data, my dear.” “Just a few more details to work out.” At this point, I’m more worried that she’s going to go off and make her own better-managed Oblivion than I am about what Walsh is actually up to.

. . . that’s not true. I am actually worried. Like you said, these tools have cash to burn and it’s possible that Walsh has some sort of real link to Yates. Maybe Oblivion is somebody’s hammer: but whose?

But listen, if you can’t manage to find time to do some record snooping, I understand. The titan training sounds intense. I mean, hell: you passed out for two days? That’s gotta be hard on your body, even if it automatically regenerates. Not to mention mentally exhausting. What you describe . . . I can’t even imagine. It’s not “silly” that being inside the titan reminds you trauma. And fuck, not just your own trauma but Bertolt’s . . . it’s a lot, Armin.

Well, after writing all this out part of me thinks doing something else like researching for bit might give you a break from that headspace. I know you; you always want to have something to do or you feel useless (which you aren’t, but you won’t listen, I know). So maybe this research would be a good reason to step back from titan training for a while. It sounds self-serving and shitty to say it like that, but I think Hange might have your nose too much to the grindstone.

If it helps at all, I think Hange is too practical to hold a grudge. They’re not going to dwell in the past and wonder what would have happened if Erwin survived. Probably nothing I say helps much, and I hope they’re not pressuring you so hard to master this titan that you destroy yourself, but for what it’s worth they’re probably thinking mostly of the future. That’s the Survey Corps: always advancing, regardless of the costs . . .

. . . now I sound like I really do belong in Oblivion.

I haven’t been out and about much lately, so I can’t tell you how the good people of Trost are reacting to Peaure’s article, but I can say that the people in the Garrison seem more sympathetic than alarmed now. I think it’s doing its job. Oblivion, on the other hand, called it “government propaganda designed to make us sympathize with the aggressors” . . . and again I have to say, I guess it’s doing its job . . . you know, I thought it might be better for you to seem more human, but maybe there’s no way for anyone to write articles about how human you are. It’s always going to come down to how it makes the military look . . . and if I were a civilian, I think this kind of piece would make me suspicious.

I’m sorry Armin. I know it’s complicated. I think I’m just always going to be uncomfortable with these articles. Not that I agree with Oblivion (Walsh is obviously a dim crystal, they’re mostly fops, and the whole “everything would be better if we could just forget this all happened” thing is creepy), but I can see why there’s suspicion and unrest.

Er, anyway. Hange’s squad sounds very . . . like people Hange would pick. What I really want to know is who is pulling Hange out of the trouble they get into? My bet’s on Elke—she seems pretty stable from what I’ve seen of her though like you said she’s shy. I’ve met Alister too, she’s another good candidate. That Rita though . . . fuck, what’s in those reports? Maybe you should do some further investigating. Are the squad friendly with you and Eren or is it kind of a business-y relationship? (Also stop talking like an old man! We’ve seen a lot but we’re hardly ancient . . . though I guess it does feel that way with newbies sometimes).

Okay, that’s the end of the burn letter.

Armin,

~~Okay, I have to ask: do you really find me attractive?~~

~~Tell Eren he has a pretty shitty sense of aesthe~~

~~Brown???~~

~~I sent you the sketch because I wanted your opinion, because your opinion matt~~

Okay, so. I have to ask: are you complimenting my appearance or insulting my appearance? It’s not super clear from your letter. I mean, I think it’s a compliment (in which case: thanks!), but you have a very strange way of going about it. I think you end up insulting Eren more in the end though, so I guess I can live with it (stray dog??). Well, I’m glad I fit your aesthetics, at least.

I think I’d like to see scruffy you, but short hair would probably also look good. I thought about both of them and tried to draw you with both (though I haven’t seen you in over two months now, so maybe it’s not so accurate; I used some old sketches of your face). Maybe this will help you make a decision. It doesn’t surprise me that Mikasa was the one to cut your hair (have you seen her recently, by the way?)

Don’t be so sorry about talking so much about Eren to me; I mean, it didn’t bother me so much except that I was worried you were trying to be a bridge between us somehow even though we already have our own bridge . . . a shitty rope bridge over a ravine of titans or something, but it’s still there. But if the unevenness of the sharing makes you uncomfortable I get it. ~~Even though~~ ~~I’m flattered I’m happy it’s nice to hea~~ ~~r~~ I’m glad that you feel you can trust me. And that you want to defend my honor. ~~And that you kept my picture.~~

Ah, sorry to cut this letter short, but Elke has just come in saying she’s about to ride off. She’s used to me sending you a letter now.

Take care of yourself,

Jean

 

Dear Jean,

Training has been more intense these weeks so it took me a bit to answer. As usual, the first letter is to burn. I didn't see Historia but I sent her a letter through Mikasa, who spends half her time with us, accompanying Elke or escorting Hange, and half her time training the new generation. Historia was to inspect her troops and Mikasa gave her my letter. Our queen answered and told me the Oblivion case had actually been hidden from her. She was rightfully vexed by that. I asked Hange about it and they told me Historia wasn't depending on the Survey Corps and they had to navigate between Pixis and Zackly's influence. The latter wasn't so happy about Historia being more than a symbolic puppet and was constantly interfering. Hange also told me that they had to choose their priorities and that being relatively free to manage me and Eren was theirs. I'm grateful but also . . . well, my usual complaint, they're probably taking risks to spare us more intense treatment by people who don't know titans as well.

Anyway, Historia promised to do some research on her own in the Mitras archives and to send me what she finds of interest. Then, good news, even though I'm still pretty pathetic I can stay in my titan motionless for a bit and project steam. The higher-ups are pressuring Hange not to keep us hidden and a demonstration will be held soon. Well, in one or two months. So I'm going to Mitras and I will be able to investigate in the archives myself. And also, maybe I'll see you there? Hange said many military units will be called there to help manage the crowd just in case. Is that a priority? I'm not sure but I'd like to see you.

Anyway, tell me how it’s going on your side. You got me worried about that "Miss Adele" . . . who is she really? I have no idea of what her goal might be, but you didn't answer about whether the people are all coming from Trost. Well, I guess it's hard to answer to a burnt letter, but I need more details. Walsh really doesn't seem like a subtle person, but obviously he's the only incompetent here (even though they're a gentlemen's club). It is indeed worth worrying. As for Hange's squad, I think our relationships are professional but friendly? They're human at least. I'm not treated like a tool (which I am). Tidus and Kazan are the only ones being a bit too friendly and casual with Eren and I. Youth.

I tried to talk about Oblivion with Alister, Elke, and Rita who are from the Military Police and Garrison and know civilians better than Hange. I didn't mention your mission (though Elke knew about it. I don't know for the others, but they probably do as well). Alister had heard about the Yates family, but only confirmed what you already knew. Did you receive more information through Rico? Rita told me that the fact that they were so organized in Oblivion wasn't necessarily an evidence of experience; she said as soon as there's one person with experience in a group of people, it's enough to hold secret meetings in an efficient way. She thinks Oblivion, from what you describe, must be pretty recent and they already made mistakes. I think she's right, but who's the experienced person that allowed them to last until now? And speaking of this, She told me she knew all this "by experience" and that "people could become very good at hiding under a military system" but she didn't go further. I really wonder about her story. Guess I'll also research her. It doesn't feel right though. Or maybe I should wait for her to decide if she wants to say it? How is it for you by the way? I remember that infiltration is far from being your favorite part of your military experience. How do you feel?

Thanks for what you said about Hange although I have a hard time believing it. I mean, of course they do their best for the future but they resent me. I can feel it. Eren can feel it as well. The other day they got super enthusiastic about the progress I made in forming my titan and the steam, but as soon as our eyes met, they became colder. Well . . . who's to blame? Nobody.

Also, I guess it is indeed propaganda but we're saying the truth. In the best possible way for us but our first intention is transparency and I think it works. But you'll tell me this supposed transparency is also propaganda. And you'd be right, actually, if I'm being honest. Propaganda can be a good way to do what we think is fair. Why do you think Historia and the Captain Levi were allowed to get so involved in social help for the Underground You said it, it's complicated.

Anyway, the third article will be published soon, just the time for Hange to negotiate and settle a date for a demonstration. If it's published before you receive this letter, maybe you can tell me what you think? I'm doing better. Slightly better, but it helps to be less dramatic. It's an "in between." But if you're too irritated by the propaganda, I'd understand.

As for Hange’s squad, I think pulling Hange out of the trouble they get into is really a collective effort . . . Tidus, who's really charming and a bit bold, has this quality of never getting anyone upset at him no matter how annoying he is, I think he's a pretty good asset on that regard.

(Anyway, you really must burn this).

(In fact, I hesitated to code it but I'm too tired to come up with something).

Dear Jean,

You are a very attractive person to me. I don't know if I was complimenting you or just stating a fact that you already know. ~~In fact I must say that I think I must admit~~ Well, you already know. It's not as if the reasonable solution (to not seek more than friendship) was so easy. I had thoughts about you which can be easily explained by my situation. I am tensed.  

Thanks for the drawings, they're not so far from the truth. You're really talented though you're a bit indulgent with my weird face. I think I'll go for shorter hair (though not as short as what you drew; Connie's style is good for Connie). If we are to meet soon, maybe I'll wait to cut them until after so you can see both. Not that it matters so much, but you said you'd like to see it and it's not as if anybody else really cares about it. I already mentioned that I see Mikasa regularly. She's her usual self.

"Defend your honor" is a bit too much. I don't defend you, I avoid hearing bad things about you. I've stopped fighting Eren on this subject long ago, if I ever started.

Those "to keep" letters are becoming shorter and shorter. Can you give news about Sasha and Connie? Even about Floch? And your mother? Did you see her at some point?

I'm getting worse at cooking, I'm afraid. They decided to just skip my turn on the chores panel, saying that I was busy and tired mastering my power. I took other chores though; I often wash the dishes. You said it, I like to feel useful and don't enjoy people going easy on me. I don't know what else to say . . . I hope you're doing well.

Best Regards,

Armin

 

Armin,

Burn letter. I have something weird to report. I think your friend Rita is right that Oblivion has at least someone with military insider knowledge, someone besides me. Let me explain.

Yesterday we had another meeting. I expected it to be more puttering around. My main goal was to see if I could figure out how many people in this group were actually from Trost, like you suggested. I did that—a few casual conversations before the meeting told me that while there are some locals, a lot of people in Oblivion moved here within the last year, usually after the battle of Trost. These newcomers have connections (family, friends) to the interior, though so far Walsh is the only one who claims to be noble. First off, it makes me think that Oblivion has a pretty wide network. Second, it’s pretty obvious that these guys are invested in restoring the good ol’ nobility because they think they’ll regain some kind of standing (and maybe even surpass it? while they’re “rich” for Trost, I can tell they’re not as well off as some of those fancy-pants nobles and officers we met in Mitras).

However, the meeting itself was way better planned than any of the others. Walsh was still speechifying, but his focus was definitely recruitment this time. He wants more people, and he has specific places he wants us to target. Bars where street vendors and washing ladies go after work, places where people buy food, and (finally) people’s houses. He says we can’t go knocking door to door and handing out pamphlets, but if we can get friendly with people in particular areas we can start to work on them a little bit. We’re looking for people who seem to be struggling, we’re supposed to tell them it’s because the military is milking the area for everything its worth even though they abandoned it after they pushed back the titans. When they bring up the improvements under Historia’s rule, we’re supposed to point out to them that she’s not really in charge, that the military is working very hard to win them over because we’re about to go war. And then we’ll remind them who’s going to be on the front line when that day comes. Zackly? The people in the interior? Or them.

You know, exploiting peoples’ fears. The usual.

This is why Walsh wanted the patrol plans. He wanted to know where we could go at what times without attracting attention. Today he produced a schedule of who could canvas what areas of town when. I’m supposed to work at sowing some dissent among the military ranks (I guess I’ll talk to Rico about how to make it look like I’ve done that . . .) and encourage defection, but otherwise I’m going around with other Oblivion members to help them scare citizens. I’m the soldier who’s going to tell it like it is: we’re going to war.

It’s true though. It’s just that war is probably coming for us more than we’re going for it, I suppose. Though no one’s tried coming up with a plan for diplomacy, as near as I can tell. We’re watching the sea for any sign of attack and I can’t help but wonder if maybe we should try sending a diplomatic envoy instead of waiting for them to come to us . . . well, I guess Reiner, Annie, Bertolt, and that beast guy Eren thinks is his half brother were them coming to us . . .

All of this was a little unusual because we’re not used to Walsh showing much direction. Miss Adele seemed satisfied, at least. Or more like, she was very invested in this plan. At first I wondered if she was the real brains of the operation, but Walsh doesn’t seem to pay her a whole lot of attention, even when she’s agreeing with him or praising him for his plans. So not a boss then but . . . maybe someone who has more of the big picture than she lets on? I tried to follow her for a bit after last meeting to see where she goes, but it’s just a house like any other. When I located it and reported it back, Rico put a stakeout on it, but there’s nothing out of the ordinary. She leaves to go to work (she’s a secretary for some apothecary who has no background of any dissent and has lived in Trost for ages) and comes back pretty much the same time every day. Still, there’s something weird about her.

Ah sorry, drifting off topic. I just wanted to get it all out of my head on paper, but it’s hard to keep track of how it all connects together. Anyway, having a strategy wasn’t the only unusual thing Walsh did this meeting. When he was casually talking about the “vulgar opulence of the military” was getting out of hand, he also mentioned the demo of your powers that’s coming up soon. He seemed to think it was definitely happening, rather than something that was still up in the air. Besides all that, nothing about the demo has been published yet. I asked him about the demo, but all he would say was that inside sources had informed him it was happening. And then he asked, “Have you not been told of it?”

“No, nothing,” I lied. If I said I had heard of it, people would wonder why I hadn’t brought it up myself.

He shook his head. “They haven’t even told one of the heroes of Shiganshina! Or perhaps they’re not sure they can trust you?”

That really got to me. It’s the first sign of suspicion he’s shown. “I hope not,” was all I could think so say.

Walsh nodded. “Yes, I hope they’re not too suspicious just yet. There’s still some information we need. Make sure there’s nothing in your behavior to give you away. Actually, perhaps you should avoid stirring dissent among the military ranks for a little bit; we want to make sure they give you everything we ask for.”

Well then.

It’s clear to me that we have a leak somewhere. I trust Peaure, I can’t see how it would be him. But who then? Someone close to Pixis or Zackly?

Meanwhile Rico’s still on hold with the record bureau for information on Yates and any possible connection he might have with Walsh. I hope Historia can help us; I know she’s busy, but this is feeling more urgent now. I’d write to her myself, but I bet they’re opening all her mail, but maybe you can talk to her . You’re right that it’s worrying that she’s been kept in the dark about Oblivion, it seems dangerous.

I’m really not sure I agree with you on the usefulness of propaganda; yeah, Historia being the beloved queen of the orphans does help her maintain her power, but I think people are tired of war and might not respond well to shows of military might and power. Oblivion kind of has its head up its own ass, but I think they’re tapping into a particular fear that many people have at the moment. Plus, I think Hange is right to spare you—it’s great you can produce steam now, but if you push yourself too hard I have a feeling it will cause trouble at the demo. This isn’t to say that I don’t believe in you or your powers, just that that a display might not be the best use of them.

Well, if it does end up happening, I’d like to be there. Hopefully as a member of the military and not as some Oblivion henchman stirring up the crowd. I’d really like to see you again too.

All I can say is that I’m sorry about how things are between you and Hange. You’re right that nobody’s to blame: even and especially not you.

Alright that’s the burn letter. Burn it all up.

Armin,

I’m not sure if I’m supposed to say this, given that we’ve clearly decided that we’re not going to be a “thing,” but I guess in the end it’s just stating a fact: you’re a very attractive person to me too. I also don’t think I’m “indulgent” with your “weird” face—I mean, I’m not the greatest artist ever, but I think I’ve got a pretty good read on your face. Also, what do you mean you had thoughts about me? What kind of thoughts? because you’re tense? You seem tense, and not only about your titan work. Was it something I said?

To be honest, my letters have gotten shorter because I’ve not been around the barracks as much. Too much patrolling. Connie and Sasha have been back from their trip for a few weeks now. Connie liked Sasha’s dad though he found him a little intimidating. The three of us go out for drinks once a week (Sasha insists on getting street food afterwards even though it makes her sick half the time . . .), shoot darts and play cards. Connie taught me his game and I think from what he says he’s gotten better—your strategies, I’m guessing. We try to keep it light whenever we hang out, but sometimes we can’t help talking about Shiganshina. Mostly about Reiner, about how we almost killed him in Shiganshina. Connie and Sasha don’t know that I stopped Hange from killing him later. I’ve tried to tell them but I’m a bit ashamed. I still can’t tell if I meant what I said to Hange about needing Reiner to make another titan, or I just couldn’t let him die for some reason . . . and sometimes I think, what if we’d had both Reiner and Bertolt and we could have saved both you and the Commander. And then I feel sick. I try to hate him, but in training he was always so . . . well, you know. Dad. Big brother. I hope he pays for what he did, but maybe he’s already kinda paying . . . ugh. You see how these talks go.

Anyway, I’ve reminded them to write back to you and Eren. Sasha is also sending a letter to Mikasa even though she knows Mikasa won’t write back. You know, I never even thought about trying? Even after all we’ve been through Mikasa feels a bit unapproachable to me.

Floch’s been an asshole. But that’s not news.

. . . that’s not fair of me. I sometimes really get where he’s coming from, I understand why he’s so upset about everything and it is shit to become disillusioned with how the world works. But the way he talks about humanity needing monsters . . . just gets under my skin. Can’t we imagine a world without monsters for a bit?

I haven’t seen my mom since I’ve been stationed in Trost (she was able to move a little closer to the interior, I think I mentioned). It’s not so weird to be here without her, actually. We weren’t so close before the attack. It was just the two of us, always working, especially after Wall Maria fell and the city became overcrowded. It was harder to find jobs, it made us mean with each other. I wanted to be independent, to not feel like a burden to her. Anyway. I wouldn’t say we’re so close now, but we’ve been writing since the attack on Trost. It seems like her seamstress job is going well, she has a lot of nice clients. She’s sent me some food and new clothes as well, it’s nice of her. And I sent her some of my money and my medal. She says she displays it in her living room; it’s silly, but if it makes her happy, I guess. I haven’t really explained to her how I got it, that it’s dumb luck I survived. Maybe someday, but not right now.

Something else that might be worth mentioning is that Elke acts really awkward around Rico. At first I thought make she was intimidated (well, you know Rico), but the way she watches her actually has me wondering if it’s some kind of crush. Good luck to her is all I can say. I have a hard time picturing Rico with a lover, but I guess anything is possible.

Okay, now I have to ask: why are you so mean with yourself sometimes? I get that you can’t stop overworking yourself, but your letters make it seem like you never rest. Even when you’re sitting and writing to me you’re abusing yourself in some way. You’re a good person, can’t you stop with that? Just, give yourself a rest? And if not, why?

Best,

Jean

P.S. Speaking of dishes, remember that time we were doing the dishes in the safe house and I asked you to recreate how you got me your horse when we first fought with Reiner? I know you said stress makes people pull of extraordinary feats, but sometimes I still wonder about it . . . well, you saved me. Doesn’t matter how, only matters that I’m grateful!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! Welcome back for another chapter and thanks so much for reading!! Our Author's note this time [MANGA SPOILERS] is that we set this before Yelena and Hizuru come to Paradis. We wrote it before those chapters came out, but it still fits (also our boy Floch getting some more development recently!). Hope you enjoy and let us know what you think!! :)


	3. Chapter 3

Dear Jean, 

This letter is to burn.

What you say about their knowledge of the demonstration is indeed preoccupying. They knew before even you and Rico, or were there unofficial rumors already  among Trost’s garrison ? We'll have to track their source and you know, even new recruits can hear things when they're at the right place at the right moment. Zackly and Pixis are a possibility but Hange started by investigating our immediate surroundings and sent Rita and Kazan with Peaure to Stohess. There's also a drinking problem among  many  survivors who faced the titans . . . (in previous times, soldiers drank because they were bored; now it's because they're traumatized. Sometimes I have these extreme thoughts like: "we should just forbid alcohol even off duty").

Exploiting people's fear is so easy at the moment because, for the most part, what they say is right. The Garrison and Survey Corps are a minority and the simple soldiers sent to die aren't the ones who make the rules. There are a few brave officials on the front line . . . but they're a minority and they don't last long. Also, do they make you disguise  yourself as a civil ian  when you're "scaring" the citizen s by  telling your soldier tale? A soldier disguised as a dissident soldier disguised as a civil ian .

Historia sent me two books (Peaure brought them, among other things). One is  about the  family trees of the nobility ; I made a copy of everything involving the Yates family. They had a few alliances through marriage in the past century. I don't think we should neglect them. Of course, nothing is said about their  marriage with civil ians and rich merchants, which are more and more common  for the nobility . No Walsh appears. Not surprising. It's probably an alias? Do you think some profile in the family tree could match with him though?

The other book was written by Giula Yates fifty years ago. He wrote . . . well . . . pornographic poetry and self-published it. Historia said: "Not sure this will help but you told me to not overlook anything and this is the first thing that came up with under this name". I read it to see if I could find coded elements in it and, to be honest, because I was curious. This was . . . edifying.

You might be right about the risks of the display but at the same time, there's also a risk in keeping me hidden. I discussed it with Eren and we agreed that showing us mastering our powers could help  people  regain a sense of purpose. Hange says we won't be presented as a weapon to conquer but as a weapon to defend ourselves. That's where Oblivion’s lie is; they pretend it's useless to have a defense, but recent traumas can't be ignored. 

Hange is still negotiating the date and that's why Peaure's article hasn't come out yet. Apparently "some people" (mostly from the military police but also some officers from the garrison) are pushing to have it as soon as possible and Hange is trying to buy us some more training time. It's rather cautious of them, I don't feel ready. But I will be, whenever it happens. I have to. 

Good news though; Captain Levi will be in charge of the security during the demo. That's a very comforting thought and well, maybe he'll reform his squad and you'll all be there? I think it'd be a very rational choice. You know how to deal with the colossal titan. You defeated him once. We did.

Dear Jean, 

I wasn't very understanding of your current schedule when I complained about the length of our letters (and to be honest, I was mostly angry at myself for being able to say so little). I am really sorry about that. You don't owe me anything and thanks for continuing to write me. Eren and I have received Connie and Sasha's letters as well as yours. Thanks. I'm glad Connie made progress (you say it's “a little” but he seems to imply it's more than that, I'll have to tell him to not be too confident). I wonder how Sasha's father is. And how he raised his daughter. Poor Sasha. Street food smells delicious but it also used to make me sick. Eren was always surprised: "you're even more a street rat than us! How can your stomach be so delicate?" That's me, sensitive, always ill, and delicate Armin. Well, I wonder if my titan's power heals stomach pain . . . and how long it takes. I could use it to appreciate some  heavy  food! 

You know, I can't totally resent Reiner either, nor can I resent Ymir, Annie, or especially Bertolt. I have cold sweat when I realize he's technically . . . well . . .We joke about it with Eren, but it’s in really bad taste (titan shifters jokes), it makes Hange and their squad uncomfortable, but it helps  us  to deal with it . . . so like, when we eat alone, we're like: "eat it like you ate your father/Bertolt/like Ymir ate Marcel" and then we eat like titans . . . I'm not so proud of it but it's cathartic. We laugh quite hysterically.

Maybe I shouldn't tell you about that. I'm disgusting. Well, at least I'm honest. You can appreciate that, right? Maybe you should also burn that letter. I let you decide.

As for Eren, he is still angry, but sometimes he suddenly remembers good memories of our training years and says good things about "the big bro" and Annie and everyone. When he reconnects it with what happened after wards , he becomes melancholic. It never lasts though. His mood goes up and down. As for me,  my mood is  mostly morose, but I have bursts of happiness and sadness sometimes.

We're both more distant with Mikasa. I mean, our condition obviously built a wall between us and the lack of dialog doesn't help. She gives laconic news despite Hange's squad members’ numerous questions, and then she doesn't dare to ask other questions than: "do you eat well? Sleep well?" etc. She's worried but doesn't dare to be forward about it. We have some fun doing chores together though. She also finally agreed on treating us as she treats her trainees when we fight and . . . it hurts. But that's nice of her actually. A great effort that we can appreciate. I actually think it's a real good thing that Sasha wrote to Mikasa. I also think you could write to her. She obviously feels lonely even though she'll never acknowledge it. She's surrounded half the time with people who can't understand her and half the time with people she can no longer understand. She needs friends, whether she knows it or not.

I totally get why you're annoyed with Floch, but I can't say neither you nor him are right (I sound like Captain Levi, right? I haven't seen him in a while but Hange meets with him regularly. He's grieving and fighting titans outside as much as he can but Hange recently managed to get him to stay within the walls for a while as I said. Maybe you'll meet him soon).

Elke and Rico . . . sounds so weird. Are you sure? I can't believe people are like me sometimes (well . . . like many other people, I guess, but it's not the norm), but Elke could  be when I think of it. She seems already very impressed by Hange and when they compliment her, she has this weird teenager blush. Well,  she better try something with Rico though, and even that would be risky and complicated, but nothing compared to a relationship with Hange (and Hange is really not available emotionally right now if they ever were). How does Rico react? Did she even notice? I guess you can't control that. I overheard a conversation recently (maybe this letter is really to burn. Well. It is to burn. Could you burn it as well? I'm sorry, I'll write a third one you can keep). It was between Alister and Kazan. I was already suspecting something between them. You know, Alister is around the same age as Tidus and Kazan and she is relatively attractive (I'm bad at judging that). They were making some jokes like: "who are you gonna marry?" And she always said she would marry me which is rather nice (and unlikely). But it seems like it was more serious with Kazan. They shared "meaningful" looks . . . I don't know, it seemed obvious. I hope we weren't that obvious together. 

I was in the kitchen (washing the dishes) and I entered the pantry to tidy something when they entered the room and started talking. They were whispering and obviously upset so I stayed in the pantry, not daring to bother (I was also curious). They talked about marriage for real and Alister said she really didn't want to. She wanted to fight and marriage and pregnancy was out of the  question . He said they could get engaged, she said she didn't want promises because you never know what will happen. She explained that she was aware she could regret it but that it was her choice and he had to respect it. There was a silence then and I understood that they were kissing. Then she said they had to stop because she felt like doing something she would definitely regret. He agreed on that and left, saying he'd try to be away for some time (that's why he volunteered to Stohess). She cried in the kitchen, almost silently, and finally left as well. I felt terrible but well . . . it distracted me. These little sentimental stories are a wonderful way to forget about everything bigger and supposedly more important.

Speaking of which, I didn't tell you this, but when he comes, Peaure always brings the latest issues of serials. He gets them for free where his newspaper is printed. I didn't tell you because he once brought us some censored unofficial pornographic works and some of them were between men. Of course, Tidus and Kazan joked about it but I managed to put a hand on them and to read them thoroughly. I then dared to ask Peaure about it and he was so confused. Actually, that's the kind of reading he enjoys (everything actually, male and female and male-male . . . and female-female, he brought me some as well) I wonder if he's like me or just likes to imagine it. Anyway, he gave them to us by mistake but agreed on passing me some of them discreetly. That was really nice of him. He said he thought it could help. I guess he was speaking of some tensions I might have. He asked if Eren would have some but Eren really isn't interested in that.

So Giula Yates and Peaure's serials gave me some insights and ideas and that will be the subject of the letter you can keep (if you want to, but you can also burn it). Because this letter is definitely to burn.

Dear Jean, 

Yes, I am tensed. And actually, some solitary activity helped a bit. This is strategic, see (I'm joking). 

Maybe this will repel you (and feel free to say it), but I've had it in mind for a while. After the serials I've been reading, there are some ads published and some of them are for "erotic pen pals." People can actually have written sex and I think it's for the best sometimes. There are things that are better imagined than done and the "physical" can remain platonic. Obviously. Most of them involve weird roleplay, but I was wondering if you would like to be that sort of "pen pal" to me. I'm glad that I'm attractive to you. It might help. As for the thoughts I had about you, it was memories of our kisses at first because those weren't so bad . . . after some time. (It took time, at first it was pretty terrible . . . from the both of us). Your lips were soft and your breath was hot and I liked to touch the little hairs on your nape and to smell your neck and the sound you made when we started to open our mouths. Then I imagined our "attempt" if we hadn't tried that terrible thing that we heard officers joking about. We could have just kept what we were naturally starting. Touching each other "there,” rubbing against each other, kissing. You know even men and women do that actually. The more I know, the less difference I see. 

I'm sorry. I'm  gonna  stop there even though I've had other thoughts. It doesn't feel right if you don't agree. I'm sorry if you're against it, but I'm gonna close this letter quickly before I lose all my courage.

PS: I remember and you really don't have to thank me.  ̶I̶ ̶c̶o̶u̶l̶d̶n̶'̶t̶ ̶i̶m̶a̶g̶i̶n̶e̶ ̶

 

Armin,

This is the burn letter. The sealed letter is for you to read if you want to. I figure you’ll have had plenty of time to change your mind between the week it took for your letter to get here and the week it’ll take for my letter to make it you. So, yeah. Maybe it’s a burn letter too, that’s really up to you.

Moving on.

Thanks for the research on Yates. (And don’t worry, I’ll also thank her radiant highness as well).  The family tree has given us some leads. Walsh himself isn’t on here, but after looking up all the names in Trost’s directories, we found out a man named Jules Yates lived here with his sister Johanna for a couple years. Unfortunately, he died in the titan attack, but his sister escaped. She’s living in some village in Wall Rose now, Rico’s sent people to track her down. Finally we have some kind of lead, even if it may turn out to be nothing.

(Also tell me if you decode the Yates porn, I guess. If that’s what you’re really doing with it . . . is it good porn? Is the stuff Peaure accidentally gave you good porn? What do you think makes good porn? My mom had a stash of those serials in her stocking drawer (yes, I snooped; and it was all boy/girl, y’know, but still). I stole a few one time when I was like, fourteen. It’s when I discovered masturbation, although maybe now I wouldn’t like those types of stories so much . . . okay, I’m sorry, this probably belongs in the sealed letter. I thought about crossing it out, but hey, you’re the one who kept bringing up porn in your letter . . .)

We’ve tried to have Walsh followed but he must be smarter than he looks because he always gives us the slip. Even his assigned messengers can’t be tailed. Which is weird, because they all have some kind of swatch of blue on their clothing, like a ribbon or a tie. It’s a very specific color; Rico is turning over all the dye houses in Trost, but so far no dice.

Basically, Walsh acts like a bit of a posh idiot in meetings, but he’s really clever about some things. Or is it him? Perhaps it’s someone else? I feel like if you were here you would manage to see what’s up with him, see the one detail we’ve missed to finally fit the pieces of the puzzle together. Can I borrow your brain for a bit? You can regrow one, right? You’ve already been very helpful; I should stop whining and do my damn job.

Speaking of the devil, I went around on my first recruitment mission two days ago (and yes, I dress as a civilian and I have a fake name; Pierre Churchstone . . . it’s all I could come up with . . . and so far no one’s recognized me, so that’s something). Guess who my partner was; Miss Adele. Go figure. Question is, did Walsh assign us this way, or did she ask to be my propaganda buddy? We met up in a pub and sat with some petty merchants. I let Adele do most of the talking; you know me, I’m shit at making casual conversation, I’d’ve put their suspicions up right away. Adele’s way more subtle; she somehow got them to bring up Shiganshina and the idea that war with Marley might be brewing. They admitted they liked Historia very much, but were worried about another titan attack. Adele planted this idea in their heads that we were planning to provoke the titans. I said some shit about how Zackly doesn’t seem to have the citizens’ interests at heart (and he really doesn’t; like, I’ve only met the Commander in Chief twice but I get the feeling he’s in this for himself) and how he’s the real power behind Historia (don’t let her read this; I really believe that although the commanders think she’s a puppet, she’s not going to be docile if they propose something she doesn’t like. They should be more careful—this is the girl who hit Captain Levi, after all. Have they hit Captain Levi? Don’t think so). Miss Adele ran with that; that word “war-mongering” came up several times. It made them look a little doubtful, but just from talking to them and a few others in this pub it’s pretty clear that Oblivion is underestimating the goodwill Queen Historia has won. Miss Adele said as much when we were walking home later; she says Oblivion may need to discredit her highness.

“Yeah,” I said, “but just how would we do that? She builds orphanages and poorhouses, distributes crystal lights, and talks to farmers about how their crops are coming along. Just face it, she’s a saint!”

It was dark then, but I could tell she was looking at me sideways again. Measuring. Dammit, I’m pretty sure she sees right through me. But all she replied was, “Everyone has their weaknesses. Weren’t you in her trainee class? What was she like?”

And I told her that everyone thought she was an angel and left it at that. It’s the truth; even I was surprised by the real Historia! Miss Adele just pursed her lips and said nothing. Then we went our separate ways.

I think it’s better if they underestimate Historia. Let them figure out over time just how strong-willed she is. Hopefully that’ll be some kind of wrench in their plans.

Anyway, that’s all the updates I have on my mission. I really haven’t heard any rumors of the demo besides what you’ve told me; I guess we’re too far out. And as you say, they’re still not sure about when it will be. I really can’t think of who Walsh’s informant might be. I hope Rita and Kazan can find something.

The rest of my life has been pretty quiet. Just hanging out with Sasha and Connie. And sometimes I have a drink with Floch since no one else wants to hang out with him really. Besides, I’m worried he’s developing a drinking problem. Like you said, he’s drowning his trauma. I’m wondering if he should go cold turkey, but at least if he’s out with me he drinks less? It’s still not good . . .

Speaking of trauma, you and Eren need some kind of help. Yeah sure, you gotta laugh to not cry sometimes, but man . . . well, you know, I’ve never eaten someone to gain their titan powers before, so I don’t know how I’d cope with that. You gotta do what you gotta do, I suppose. Just . . . wow. It’s not your fault, but this whole situation is messed up. It’s no wonder Eren’s so angry and you’re morose, as you put it.

It’s weird to be on the same page as Eren, but I think I understand his ambivalence towards Reiner, Annie, and Bertolt. It’s hard to erase all those memories. And Reiner was pretty messed up; from what Eren says, he really believed he was that big bro character. Maybe he was also that guy for Bertolt and Annie? Well, Annie never seemed to like him all that much, really. I still have a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that they were all close.

Changing topics. I’ve written a letter to Mikasa. It’s super short, she probably won’t reply and end up using it as a fire starter, or something, but I guess I’m here if she wants another friend. I mean . . . we’re friends. No, friendly comrades who have seen shit together. Not quite the same thing, but I guess when you’ve been through everything we have there’s no pointing in having a line between those two things any more. I mean, yeah I did used to have a crush on her and she’s still great and I respect her a lot, she’s incredibly talented and pretty. I don’t envy you the pummeling she can give you in training if she’s going her full force! Anyway, Connie’s going to write her too. Hopefully she’ll at least write back to Sasha; they’ve been always been a bit closer than the rest of us, right? Girlfriendship, or whatever. (Or . . . do you think . . .  that kind of girlfriendship? . . . the kind of girlfriendship Elke wants with Rico . . . you said she also likes Hange? That girl is a sucker for punishment).

As for Kazan and Alister . . . well, it’s the kind of conversation we heard a lot after the battle for Trost. My first thought when I read what you’d overheard was that life-or-death times are exactly the times you want to find love; I mean, it’s a basic human connection, right? And if you’re going to die, don’t you want to die without regrets? Don’t you want some kind of hope that there will be a future eventually? But then I read it again and I realized . . . I’ve never had to worry about getting pregnant. I mean, I know that there’s stuff you can take to prevent it but it’s sketchy and  . . . well. So like, I get her point more than I originally did. Still, it’s sad that they can’t be together right now. War rips everything apart.

Alright, that’s about all I have for you this week. Tell me how you’re training is going, how you’re feeling. And if they pick a date for the demo. I hope the Captain will be managing defense and that he’ll call the squad back together. It would be nice to see you in person.

Yours,

Jean

Armin,

So, I understand what it’s like to be “tense” and I really liked the letter you wrote me. I’m just a little bit confused. Well, a lot of confused, to be honest. I thought you weren’t interested in having  that kind of relationship, especially with me. If you’re just looking to get off, why don’t use Peaure’s porn? Or find somebody in town. I mean, watch out for titan fetishists You’re a war hero, that’s got to count for something. Why me?

Well, you say some things are better in writing than in practice. Maybe that’s true for the, er, “stuff” we tried, I’ll admit that. I did, um, well . . . it’s embarrassing, but I found a magazine stashed in the back of my bunk here (yeah, there’s at least one other guy out there like us and Peaure and I happened to get his old bunk . . .) about how to do that kind of stuff more safely . . . how to prepare the person receiving by stretching them out . . . but still, it’s probably not great I mean you were  really tight, it must have really hurt, I mean, you said it did so . . . okay, the point is, I can see your point. Porn feels safer in some ways. I’m willing to be your “erotic pen pal.” In fact, if you’re going to have an erotic pen pal I’m glad you asked me. Maybe that’s a weird thing to say.

Besides, I got way too turned on by what you sent me. Like, it was barely a few lines but I was weirdly horny.

But also you can burn this letter if you want to. You can read it and decided this isn’t what you want. In fact, if at any point you don’t want to keep going with this, it’s cool.

Okay so. I guess I’ve had a few fantasies about you . . . I guess. Damn, this is harder to talk about than I thought it would be. Honestly, I’ve thought about kissing you a lot. And I was going to protest that it was so bad, even at first, but actually you’re right—we sucked. We got better though, that’s the magic of practice I suppose. Can’t really practice on paper. Well, I thought your lips were also pretty soft and that you smelled nice as well. And I liked running my fingers in your hair, its soft. That’s my adjective for tonight: soft. I guess that’s not a good adjective for, er, other things. Anyway, kissing was good. You breathe out through your nose and sigh in cute ways, and once we got the hang of tongues that was pretty nice as well. You wiggled yours a bit on the roof of my mouth and I wasn’t expecting it but it made my legs feel weak.

. . . I should’ve read more of that porn, this is awful. I’m sorry. You’re better with words than I am, so I’m not sure we’re equal pen pals.

Okay well. Another fantasy I had of you recently had to do with a story I remembered reading in one of my mom’s serials a while back (mentioning my mother, always a good move when I’m trying to be sexy). This woman pushed a guy up against a wall and slowly took of his clothes, then she kissed him all the way down to his dick and she started sucking on it. Guys used to talk about that kind of thing in the barracks, do you remember? Who could get x girl on their knees. I didn’t pay much attention, I always thought they were lying when they said they’d been with some of the girls. The point of all of this is that I would like to push you up against a wall (if you’re up for it), slowly take off all your clothes (and maybe your harness, if you were still wearing it? I think unbuckling all of those straps while kissing you and having you rub against my knee sounds like fun), and then kiss you all the way down to your dick. Maybe I could kiss your nipples? I remember I brushed against one while I was taking off you shirt the last time and you whimpered, but I was um, too focused on doing  that to think about it until later. In another fiction I read, a guy plays with a woman’s nipples and it drives her crazy—how does it feel for you?

Anyway, once I got down to your dick I’d take it into my mouth and . . . suck on it? I dunno, that’s what I think about when I imagine it. The woman in the story pulled the foreskin back so she could run her tongue along the tip. It sounded like it would feel nice when I read it, so that image has stuck with me. While all this was happening maybe you could grab my hair and gently push me a little bit further down your shaft? I could suck you till you came. But I would probably spit it out . . . it looks so gross to me.

Ah okay, it’s probably not what you wanted and it still feels weird, but I’ll try to get better if there’s going to be a next time. Maybe I’ll go looking for some of those serials you mentioned. Not to give me ideas (well, maybe; but I have quite a few ideas). Just for writing tips.

Jean

 

Dear Jean,

Burn letter here.

I'm glad my research was  of some use. Did Rico find Johanna? What about the dye houses? Tell me how the investigation is going, please. I didn't go anywhere on my side. I'm too busy with training. Historia sent new books, but they don't seem that interesting. Some archives of charity sales and a short story by the same Giula Yates who wrote the poetry. From what I've seen it's not erotic but about a rich noble woman who loses her fortune and has to work as a commoner. I haven’t had the time to read it thoroughly. I wanted to, but Elke is leaving tomorrow and I had to answer you. I'm sorry for not being more useful

What you say about the popularity of Historia is reassuring in a way (see, propaganda has its uses . . . well, I'm not happier than you about it, but Historia is following her instinct by being generous and trying to improve the overall quality of living, those who use it to create the image of a “saint” queen are to blame and it's not Historia.). I wonder what they plan to do to “discredit” her. It would have to be really awful. She'd have to be responsible for many people's deaths for example. How would they put the blame on her? If it's related to my presentation, she's not that involved, I think. I talked about it with Hange, they seemed worried though. I'd like to talk about it directly with Historia. Have you seen her recently?

Kazan and Rita sent their first report. So far they have several targets in mind, corrupted officers, young soldiers traumatized by the female titan or other recent encounters . . . too many people among our own soldiers could be receptive to Oblivion in fact and collaborate with them. Not to mention that the military police is still a nest of corruption. We're waiting for more news.

Of course I didn't decode Yates poems. They weren’t  so good. The way it was written was too tedious to be arousing. I'll tell you in the other letter what I consider “good porn”.

Also, Pierre Churchstone is really the worst possible name but well, you don't have to be convincing. 

About Eren and I needing “some kind of help”? We're followed by Hange and the doctor Frülster who comes  by  from time to time. She's been working on titans with the SC for years. She's . . . quite peculiar. But who isn't around us?

Mikasa mentioned your letter. I just received your last one and Mikasa asked who wrote to me and when I said it was you, she said: “I also received a letter from Jean.” Then she added: “Do you think I should answer?” Eren, who was there, said “no” of course, but I believe you two have your correspondence so it was hypocritical of him. I said she should. Did she? What did she say? She doesn't even write to us when she's away for a bit.

Anyway, I saw her writing an answer to Sasha. So that's something.

About “girlfriendship”: I don't think there's that kind of relationship between Mikasa and Sasha. As for Elke, I only vaguely see her now. She seems to be always on the road with the negotiations about the demonstration. I can't watch her closely nor can I be sure about her affections. But she blushes when Hange gets too close when they're enthusiastic about something which happened recently when I managed to control my sweat/steam to reject intruders.

About Kazan and Alister, you nailed it yourself . . . life-or-death situations are ideal to convince yourself that you're “in love” because you want to feel it. Because our culture is still based on the idea that love is so important that it's heavily linked to reproduction and thus to the idea of a future. I think Alister is right to be cautious. What if it wasn't love? She has priorities, it's not the right time to throw everything away.

Captain Levi is confirmed to lead the security squad during the demonstration. I hope you'll hear soon about it but the date still isn't secured.

As for training. Nothing new, really. Thanks for your concern.

Yours, sincerely,

Armin

Dear Jean,

I'm still not interested in having “that kind of relationship,” not with you,  much less someone else . I can't exactly go to town and do it with whoever I want being  . . . “not normal” and kind of everybody's nightmare, no matter how much of a “war hero” I supposedly am. I already use Peaure's porn but I wanted to try something else and, yes, I chose you . . . because you're attractive and we have this history and you don't see me as a monstrosity whatever atrocity I tell you. I honestly don't know what love is, but what I feel for you is probably close to that. Or at least, I can say that thinking of you gives me dirty ideas. But it's not a reason for wanting a relationship with you and I already explained why. A relationship would be serious with me and probably tragic and I have enough of that and so do you.

Then, what to do with the rest? Since you agree we can have some written fun. I'm sincerely sorry about this unpleasant introduction. First, about what I consider "good porn" (and this is personal and I'm not that much of an expert); I think overall, what I enjoy has to be clear and simple and feel natural. I don't like it when the style is too complex or poetic, it gets in the way and sounds odd. It also has to be anatomically possible, or else  it stops me because I try to find a solution to make it work, which isn't so exciting. I appreciate precision and concision when it comes to talk about romantic feelings (I don't like the "feeling like one" oddities), but details when it comes to anatomical descriptions that can be exaggerated and emphasized as long as it remains physical. We're on a physical level here, I think, despite the fact that I obviously decided to talk with you because I trusted you. 

Point is, I really appreciated what you sent. You said being “weirdly” horny about what I sent and I can say it's a shared feeling. Both writing and reading such things are very enjoyable. I like that you enjoyed kissing me as well and that it made your legs weak. I appreciate you being weak for me actually if I'm being honest, but maybe  it's  perverted? 

I can say, the other day, coming back earlier from training since Eren has more endurance than me, I said I was going to rest and read your letter while trying something new. I was face down and started fingering myself, “stretching” a bit while wanking. It hurt fast behind at first, but became good after some time. Imagination is wild, I could picture you sucking my dick the way you described it or stretching me before putting it in. It was so bad when we tried, but imagining it before was really nice and so was it there it was also nice this time. I must say though that I only came after imagining putting mine into you. Slowly entering you . . . very slowly after having stretched you I guess so that you'd be ready. It was intense, imagining the feeling of you all around me, the line of hairs on your back, the shape of your ass, the smell of your skin and your nape, and your moans . . . Is it hard to picture for you? Is it weird? I remember you enjoyed me caressing your behind at least.

  
Now you make me self-conscious. I think we're more than equal  as the pen-pals  in terms of  quality of writing. Really, don't think that what you sent lacked anything. It was what I needed. I like to imagine what you described. And you reminded me of my nipples. I started just toying with them the other day. At first, I barely touched them and ended up twisting them and pinching them between my fingers. I don't think I'm being a “woman” for liking it. I've read about it in the “not normal” erotic literature. I'd like you to lick  them yeah. I'd like you to bite  them  even. I'd whimper and more, and you would drive me crazy for more but maybe you wouldn't allow me to touch myself at first to end my tension. Maybe I'd be so frustrated I'd beg you. “Please, Jean, can you touch me now?” Can you?

 

Armin,

Here’s the burn letter, though there’s not much to report this week. Bad news about the investigation. Rico sent people to Johanna Yates’ house in Wall Rose, but it was evacuated. Completely empty. Nearby residents remember a middle-aged woman living there for a year and seeing her in the town market as recently as last month, but it’s one of those small towns where they actually mind their own business. I guess the fact that she left is useful information in and of itself: innocent people don’t run away. Well . . . unless they’re going into hiding . . . okay, it really doesn’t give us a lot to go on does it? And apparently no one saw her leave or knows where she went . . . Rico says the area is pretty spread out and Yates could have taken a route that didn’t pass through the town . . . but still, it takes a lot to move house . . . maybe people just aren’t saying what they saw. And if they aren’t, I wonder why?

Or maybe Miss Yates didn’t have a lot of belongings in her house to begin with? Rico’s scouts reported that it was very small and that residents weren’t quite sure how she made her living. Maybe it was an escape house of some kind . . . well, I mean it was because she moved there after fleeing Trost. But maybe that’s not what she originally expected to use it for? But even so, it was there before the coup . . . something just isn’t adding up.

Right now our only real lead is that the town postmaster (I’m surprised it’s big enough to have a postmaster!) said Miss Adele received a letter from Trost sometime last month, but obviously he didn’t know who it was from or what it contained. Right now my best guess is that she  _ is _ connected to Walsh in some way and that maybe she’s a member of Oblivion. He doesn’t seem to favor any of the women though . . . and the descriptions the villagers gave were for a middle-aged woman with black hair. There are two people who match that description in Oblivion, but they’re both people who have strong ties to Trost and their records don’t suggest they’ve left the town. So we’re stuck. Unless Johanna Yates changed something about her appearance before coming here . . . I’ve considered going to the town to make a sketch based off their descriptions, if I can find an excuse to be away from Oblivion for a bit.

Rico’s overturned every dye house in Trost: nothing. We have to start looking inside Wall Rose. Rico thinks Walsh’s supplier can’t be far away, that it would attract too much attention to transport that particular blue from across Paradis. There are reports of people in other cities recruiting for Oblivion, but the headquarters appear to be here . . . well, the headquarters of their activities at least. Maybe they do have some kind of contact in Mitras, but they would have to be lying very low.

In other news, we’ve received a date for the demonstration; we’re about three months out. Walsh is incredibly excited about it; he’s planning something to interrupt them, but he’s being incredibly secretive about it. He seems paranoid that one of us is going to rat on him, says he’s noticed he’s being followed. I swear he was looking at me while he was talking, but he hasn’t confronted me directly. Rico’s tried to back off by having less people watch him; maybe that’ll be enough to calm him down? Really I’m hoping that we’ll be able to clear this whole Oblivion thing up before the demo—wouldn’t it be nice to have things go smoothly for once?

Apart from all this, my days have mostly been spent patrolling or knocking on doors as Pierre Churchstone (don’t make fun of me, it was the best I could come up with!). Unfortunately, me and Miss Adele are making headway with the locals, who seem more and more worried about impending war. There’s rumors that ships have been seen on the horizon; as far as I know they’re not true, but here in Oblivion we’ve been playing them up. War is on the horizon . . . any day now.

In more personal news, Connie and Sasha are fine, Floch is . . . well, still drinking, but less so I think. We’ve been talking more . . . sometimes it seems like he understands what people are thinking really well, and sometimes nuances go straight over his head. I just don’t quite know what to do with him. Mikasa did write to me; it’s really short, I’d call it a missive more than a letter. But she mostly talks about you and Eren, about how much you’re eating (or not eating, to be precise), how much the training is tiring you out. She’s worried, even if she doesn’t say it directly.

That’s about all the news I have. How about you? How is training going? How are Squad Hange? (Did you ever learn what Rita was supposed to have done? And are there any developments between Kazan and Alister? Well, that you know of anyway.)

Alright now for my “other” letter.

\--J

Armin,

I re-read your letter a lot this week. I probably know it by heart now. Is that weird? Maybe that’s weird.

And yeah, I even re-read the beginning of it. I can say that thinking of you gives me “dirty ideas” too (especially now . . . because now you literally write me dirty ideas, so . . . yeah . . .), and I guess I can’t really make a distinction between that and “love” either . . . otherwise love looks a lot like friendship, and I can’t tell what pushes those feelings over the edge into something else, except maybe getting horny for you . . . er, no, that doesn’t feel right either but, like you said, this isn’t about having a relationship, it’s about having fun so, I probably shouldn’t write out to you my problems with the idea of “love” at the beginning of this letter.

I agree with what you say about “good porn.” It’s hard to imagine positions that are anatomically impossible, and that is distracting. You write in a way that is very precise and physical yourself, and I like it. It’s easy to visualize.

I know because I’ve been visualizing it a lot . . .

You left the last letter on a hook, so I guess I’ll pick up there. Or, actually, I’ll start by saying that I hadn’t considered the possibility of you, um, well, sticking it in me (. . . sorry, sorry!), but reading what you wrote . . . it did sound nice and I  do definitely remember how nice it felt when you squeezed my ass and your fingers did get kind of close to, well . . . oh, screw it. My asshole. No point in mincing words in an erotic letter. You brushed close to my hole with your fingers while we were making it out and it felt exciting, like a tingle down my spine. And so reading your letter about you fucking me I thought, why not try stretching myself? And so I did and I tried to be careful and it did burn at first but then, I see what you mean. It did feel better the more spit I used (and I was thinking I could probably find some oil for the skin or something, something that might last a bit longer—that might feel even better? But spit was fine), and then it got to the point where it did feel very good and I wanted more so I put in another finger. And then I wanted it like . . . deeper? It was stretching and there was pain but there was also some pleasure and then I touched something inside me that was just . . . pretty intense. I had to touch my dick at that point, it was so hard . . . and I imagined what you described, I imagined you behind me, that you had your hands on my hips and were pushing into me faster and faster. Maybe you’d dig your nails into my skin too, while you held me? Maybe you could lean over me and bite my neck?

Fuck, I’m getting hard again just writing all this stuff out.

The point is, I know it hurt for you when we tried it last time, but maybe if we were more careful it would be nice for you to put your dick inside me? I’d need a lot of stretching though, it took me a while and I was kind of tight. And again, maybe some oil or something. Well, I mean, I know we’re not  actually planning to do any of this in person so I guess we don’t need to think about that . . . I guess, feel free to keep imagining yourself fucking me! Because I like to imagine it too.

Er, anyway. Your hook.

I like the idea of teasing you, or biting and sucking on your nipples until you beg me. I don’t think I could hold out though; I’d probably give you what you wanted pretty quickly. Is that a turn off? I’d just really like to touch you and hear you sigh and see you bite your lip to hold back your sounds. Although I guess we can imagine that we’re in a place where we don’t have to hold things back. Would you still bite your lip, or would you cry out when I finally touched your dick? Maybe by that point it would already be kinda wet. I could hold you close and stroke you, kiss and bite your neck. Probably marks don’t stay on you because of your healing titan powers—how hard of biting do you like? Do you like it at all? We didn’t really try it originally, we didn’t want to leave any signs on our bodies. Maybe I could play with your nipples  while I touched your dick. And maybe you’d want to keep your noises to yourself, but I think I’d like to hear them, if that’s okay. I do like the sound of your voice. And I would stroke you and stroke you till you came, all over your belly . . . and then I’d help you clean up because, again, cum is kind of weird. Sorry. But I like that it’s a sign of you feeling good.

Oh shit, I’m really hard now. I think I’m going to end the letter here and take care of this. But I have one more question for you before I go. How do you feel about hair? Could I touch yours? Play with it? I don’t want to pull it or be forceful, but I like the idea of holding on to it while you fuck me, for example, maybe while I’m on my back and you’re on top . . .

Okay, I’m gonna leave it here now, I really need to go.

\--J

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! Thanks for reading! Hopefully Jean and Armin continue to seem in character! So far we're pretty pleased about how what we wrote over the past few months fits into the the recent manga chapters, though we're wishing for more jeaaaaaaarrrrrrrmiiiiiiiiiiiiin :( Here's some build up to some drama--nothing can go wrong here, right?

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! Thank you for reading!! This is a fic MirandaFandomette and I started writing together earlier this spring, and it is the first part of a three fic series we're writing titled "Oblivion." We started writing all three fics together because originally they were all going to be blended together into one story, but we realized that was probably confusing ^^' So they're going to be three related fics instead :) We originally wrote these to each other as letters and then edited them to fit into a chapter.
> 
> Let us know what you think! We decided we really needed some canon Jearmin to cope with the recent manga chapters (and to cope with what they did to Jearmin in the most recent anime episodes . . . we're bitter :/). Hope you enjoy!!


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